This is a list of all the sexual experiences they would like to share with their partner or would enjoy on their own. For instance, for one partner it could be:

• Explore new positions in bed with sex
• Watching a sexual instruction movie together
• Shopping at a sex toy shop together
• Role-playing
• For the other partner it could be:
• Walking hand and hand when we go out
• Tickling each other
• Spooning together in bed

The desires look very different, but the couple can then see if they can meet in the middle with some. For instance, start by spooning in bed and slowly move to another position. See how that feels. Or when they go out they can walk hand in hand, not in preparation for anything else, but for its own experience. Perhaps they can go online together to shop for a sex toy that would feel playful. Couples often think that sex is only about performance rather than intimacy. Being able to find ways to appeal to each partner, the couple builds their intimacy by honoring the differences, while appreciating the moments when you share sexual pleasure. Maybe this will be different than you anticipated, but it will be valuable, nonetheless.

CONSTANTINE KIPNIS

Incompatible is as incompatible does. It is difficult to believe that two people who find each other physically repugnant would ignore every signal sent them by their pheromones and stay together long enough to wonder how to keep their relationships healthy.

Intimacy and sex are often lumped together and then we are off to the usual litany of, “I want to have sex every day and s/he wants it once a week”

How do we measure success? Orgasms per time period? Percentage of time spent in postcoital bliss? Percentage of time spent in some sort of sexual contact?

It is possible that rather than measuring success, we measure frustration. As in, I reach for her and she pulls back. I look at him and he does not come hither.

Perhaps the trouble is in the fact that there is measuring going on. If he gives her his attention and caresses and, regardless of the effect on her, he himself is only tracking how much she reciprocates, then she might gradually feel that it’s transactional affection.

The fundamental question is not about compatible sex drive but about compatible destinies: why tie yourself to someone if you are not fully committed to giving them all you have to give, not stopping until the recipient signals they are well and truly content?

ZOE O. ENTIN, LCSW

Open, honest communication is key. It’s important to understand each other’s needs as well as limitations in order to respectfully negotiate towards a sex life that works for both partners. Creating a sex menu can help open up new possibilities. Additionally, seeing a certified sex therapist can be beneficial.

ADAM J. BIEC, LMHC

This really depends on the couple and hard to give a “one-size fits all” solution. How is this causing problem for the couple? For whom is this a problem? Is it a sexually frustrated women in a relationship? How old are the partners? Are we talking about the stereotyped situation where one partner gets sexually frustrated? Is the low sex-drive partner willing to engage in alternative sexual activities? Is the high sex-drive partner open to these alternatives? What does sex represent for both partners? Are there alternative ways that the things which sex represents for them can be satisfied? And lastly, sex drive is to some degree changeable. One obvious thing is to seek out ways to bring the low libido up. However, we can also find ways to bring the high libido down. For example, in some cases, the high libido individual is expressing something to their partner through sex. If we can find out what that is, and find alternative ways of expressing it, then we may bring down some of the urgency/pressure behind sex. Sex drive can also be a “use it or lose it” kind of thing. The high sex drives individual’s desires may drop a little after making it their goal to decrease their sexual activities overall (but it will likely remain prone to bouncing back up). This is also not easy to do because sexual activity is usually woven into the high sex-drive person’s set of habits. It can be helpful, nonetheless.